A personal growth spurt

I have been trying to figure out what went wrong and I think I've finally worked it out.

At first a break up is always upseting and you're too close to be objective. All I knew is that I was not happy, nor was he. Facts.

A couple weeks ago I realized I had lost sight of myself at some point, I figured it happened sometime in mid to late May. It was gradual, but little by little, I stopped thinking of myself first, lost confidence in myself and my abilities, I stopped thinking and just reacted. There were little clues. I am sure I missed a lot, but I realized, I was neglectful,  (I just plain forgot them) of my responsibilities towards Sadie and Mister. I was pressuring myself to do things I was not comfortable with. But I didn't know why it happened.

So for the past week, I have been getting back in touch with me. Hi Me! I know I need exercise to feel my best, emotionally and physically. I am walking again. I went kayaking. I am eating better. I'm thinking more positively, objectively, and proactively. I'm getting out around people. Does me no good to sit home and withdraw! I feel better today than I have in weeks. 

Then, today, while out walking with Sadie, I realized why I lost sight of myself!

These are my preliminary findings. I am still analyzing it. I believe it stems from my profound unhappiness with work. It was gradual, but I think I am onto something.  Slowly, without realizing it, I started to depend on him for my happiness. I was clinging to his optimism and positive attitude. It felt good to be around those qualities. But, it became something I needed just to get me through the miserable work day. If I didn't get my fix, I was resentful, miserable, and frustrated.  Then guess who I took it out on? I wasn't the same person anymore. I didn't like myself. How could I expect anyone else to like me?

That is not someone else's responsibility! You, and only you are responsible for your own happiness.

I know, I am always harder on myself than I am on others. I expect a lot from myself. But don't worry, I am also very forgiving of myself and others. It takes too much energy to hate and resent.

But I had to know what and why it happened. It was bugging me. How else can you learn and grow? And how else can you try to avoid doing it again! I learn by repetition, so I expect it might happen again, but I hope, now that I know what it is, I can catch it sooner! I feel like a weight has been lifted from me! It feels awesome!

Now, it is time to work on a solution!

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Why do I spend so much time and energy trying to figure myself out?

Maslow's Hierarchy made a big impression on me. The road to self actualization is not easy. But I'm going to keep traveling this road.