I took a hour and pounded this out on my keyboard.
It isn't pretty. There are incomplete thoughts and sentences.
It is not the light and carefree composition you are used to reading on this blog.
It is dark and ugly.
But I don't care.
It needed to come out because it is eating me. It is the reason I have not been able to write for several weeks. It is the reason I have withdrawn from family and friends. The reason I am not returning phone calls, emails, or socializing comfortably.
First of all, thank you for your emails of encouragement and concern. They are appreciated, even though they went unanswered. (Sorry)
If you came for fluffy clouds of fiber or witty stories about living up north, you are going to want to stop reading right now. Run away. Come back in about a week. Okay? Thanks for coming though, I appreciate it!
---------------------------------------------------
somewhere, about mid august, i lost something.
my hunch is that it had to do with the incident at work, bringing back a bunch of bad baggage from the past. Kinda like triggering post traumatic stress syndrome or something.
Ever since, I have become reactive instead of proactive. In fact, I'm not sure I am even active. I'm frozen in place like a deer in the headlights.
I have become angry. Why does this pattern keep repeating itself in my life? I don't think I have the "victim" mentality. I am smart, honest, hardworking and take initiative. Why do people think they can use me as a punching bag? I promised myself a long time ago, I would not take shit from anymore bully bosses.
No more dreading to go to work on Monday
No more sleepless Sunday nights thinking about going to work in the morning
No more anxiety, stomach aches, fear, anger and tension at work.
Until mid-august, I had forgotten what it was like to not enjoy going to work.
Work is work, sure. But sometimes you get lucky and find a job and/or a boss you enjoy working with day after day.
I don't drink anymore, so I can't escape that way on the weekends. Drinking allows you to forget, if only for little while. For a while, you don't think. I have been accused, numerous times, of thinking too much. I would rather think too much than mindlessly wandering through the day. I enjoy many activities that allow my mind to wander while I work. Processing my wool, knitting and spinning are solitary activities that allow my thoughts to roam. This is part of the creative process. I come up with ideas, solutions, and different points of view. When you allow your thoughts to wander freely, your mind relaxes. I am comfortable with my thoughts. Usually.
On the negative side of thinking too much, it also allows me to second guess myself and others. Why did she laugh when I said that? It wasn't funny. What is it about me that makes others think it is okay to use me as a emotional punching bag, manipulate me, and take me for granted?
I am reading a book right now called "the ignored". It is about an average guy. This guy takes a nondescript job at a nondescript company and all his co-workers ignore him or just don't see him. Except for his boss. His boss is hostile towards him. I find myself relating to the main character.
I am not whining or complaining. Do not tell me I am lucky to have a job. I am not depressed or feeling sorry for myself. I know I am smart, funny, honest and possess ample skills. I am a more than competent and conscientious employee. The last time I agonizingly quit a job, I had 3 job offers by the end of the following day. I am an exceptional worker and human being. No one has any reason to treat me otherwise.
Yea, I am angry. I am not used to feeling angry. I am the one everyone counts on to be "up", happy, open-minded and clear headed. My head is definitely NOT clear.
Three different doctor offices were nasty, callous, and rude to me last week. One of those was MY doctor's office. The other two were ones I was considering becoming a patient at when I called. I found someone else.
People are are not listening. They will start talking before I finish my sentence. They will talk to me in a condescending manner as if I were a two year old. They are disrespectful of my clearly stated boundaries. Misleading. Selfish. Thoughtless.
Hello people! I am here, I am just as important as you are and I am tired of being treated like shit. What happened to respect and dignity? Why shouldn't I be angry? Gee, girl, why do you have such an attitude?
I want whatever it is that I lost back.
I am trying to concentrate on being positive. I still have my sense of humor and little patience left. And it will work for a few days and I will think I have overcome the bad mojo.
But every angry word, every thoughtless comment, every time I say something and I am completely ignored, it gets knocked down a peg.
But I will keep trying. I know it is only a matter of time. Good thing I am a stubborn wench.
Be careful what you ask for, Erin...
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